#marriedup

My husband Sam and I have been married for a year and a half this month. Time has flown by! I remember planning the wedding, while living with my in-laws, while building a house. It was a crazy busy time! Now looking back it's like it was just yesterday! And at the same time it feels like forever ago. A lot of people told me that married life won't feel much different than dating or engaged life because we already lived together for 3.5 years, had been dating for over 5, etc. I know now that married life feels so much different to me! We are fully committed to each other now. We are one. I do believe that God has blessed us much more than we could have imagined since we said 'I do' and I could not be happier. Our journey began the day we got married. I have to say that I married up! Sam is a way better person than I am. He is strong in all of the areas I lack. I wouldn't want to be on this journey with anyone else. He is my person!

Marriage is a new adventure. It is exciting! We still have ups and downs and have to work at it, but it's something worth investing our time into. We entered into a new season of life when we got married. We are home owners now, which is different! We also have new goals for our finances, future family, home projects, the list never ends! We have been looking for friends who are in similar stages of life and have the same core values. We are looking for mentors and people who we can learn from who have gone through this before but also exemplify a marriage that honors God and each other. We have the long term in mind, but also try to live as in the moment as we possibly can. Time is fleeting and we are seeing that more and more the older we get.

What's Changed: We don't go out as often anymore (a lot of that has to do with our choice to live in Castle Rock, but also, WE OLD). We have different priorities. I love that we have slowed down. I love that our Saturday's consist of getting up early and tackling our to-do list. I also love that we have a routine and are on the same page about our schedule. Our schedule is something that we stick to so that we accomplish the things we want to but also stay on the same page. Also, it helps us make time for what is most important to us. I used to love sleeping in, I still do, but I don't do it as often because I love my mornings and feeling like I am ahead of the game. We both go to bed pretty early in order to get up early and get the things done that we have prioritized. We also have turned into huge home-bodies. I think I always was one, but it is confirmed now how much I enjoy staying in, staying home, and just curling up watching a show on Netflix or playing a board-game together. This may sound boring to you, but it is AMAZING, let me tell you!! We have set up some boundaries around our marriage to safe-guard it from temptation, vulnerability and mistakes. These new boundaries are not rules, but they are things that we put in place to protect each other. You wouldn't put on your seat belt after you got in an accident would you? No way! You put in on before hand so that if/when there is impact, you are safer. Why wouldn't you look at your marriage that way? We were not going to be naive. This part of our marriage is freeing and makes me feel that much more secure in my partner.

Stayed the Same: Our love has only deepened since we got married. We have continued to communicate our needs and feelings which helps us each attend to each others desires. We have continued to seek wise counsel. Early on, we realized that we can't do this alone. We need people around us who are going to fight for our marriage along side us. We knew that we wanted to safeguard our dating life so that our marriage could be that much stronger. Going to pre-marital counseling through our church helped set us up tremendously. I would highly recommend it to all engaged couples. If you are on the fence about it, do it! If anything it will get you in contact with people who can help you down the road. We met our therapist through this course and have just recently starting seeing her, but the things we learned from her (and 4 other licensed therapists) were tools that we could lean on ourselves. These tools helped us when we at our lowest. Something else that has stayed the same is our commitment to being a team. We have always gone back to the slogan, same team, to remind us that we are not against each other. Even when we make each other mad, we are for each other. We want the best for each other. We are pretty passionate, and can get heated about things, but that doesn't change the side we are playing on.

What I've Learned: I haven't been married long, but I have already learned so many things! It makes me excited for the years to come and the knowledge I will gain in the future. The biggest thing I have learned is to be intentional. It sounds simple, but it is not! I have to fight the feelings of being lazy like putting off date night, not discussing our finances, discussing sensitive topics, going to therapy, confronting insecurities and giving verbal compliments. Now I am not a lazy person at all. I am pretty dang motivated. These are all things that seem easy, but when you get comfortable and things are going well, it's easy to talk yourself out of them. Great example: I could start to take Sam for granted. He meal preps my lunches for me every Saturday. I handle folding and putting away laundry and cleaning the house. We agreed to these roles. We know that these are our jobs. But I would be a fool to not think that Sam would appreciate a thank you for what he is doing for me on a regular basis. He needs it just as much as I do. It's nice to hear! It feels good to know that he still sees what I am doing and values it. So I intentionally tell him, "thanks for always cooking for me! It really speaks my love language and is so nice to always have my lunch ready to go for my work!" Sam doesn't say much, just 'of course and your welcome', but if I hadn't said it, one day he could start to feel taken for granted and bitter. It's better to be proactive than reactive. I'm not perfect at this and sometimes I forget, but I really try to set reminders for myself to say a simple thank you to build him up. Remember my blog #scheduleit? Go give it a read but I literally have reminders set up in my calendar for things like this. I can't remember everything, so why try. Let Siri tell you what to do and when to do it! #winning!

Tools for Success: We started listening to a podcast called 'Behind the Scenes' with Jeremy and Audrey Roloff. The podcast is highly focused on marriage and their personal journey through it. They have been married 5 years and have 2 kids now. They are pretty much a 'where we want to be in 5 years' couple. They introduced us to an amazing tool that they authored called the Marriage Journal. It is something you do once a week with your spouse. You read a 1 page entry, fill out your calendar for the week, and answer 6 questions (these are the same 6 questions every week). I should create a blog just about this journal because it deserves it! This tool has not only helped us focus for a realistic amount of time, but also has created a space for us to tackle some conflict if we need to. It can be a safe space for asking for forgiveness. It has been a place to get on the same page about things coming up in the week ahead that we need to plan for. Once a month it adds 2 additional questions related to money and sex life. These are huge as well because I avoid discussing our budget to avoid conflict, but I know we need to. This helps us get it done! Another helpful tool is going to church every week. Making God a focus in our lives and having it be a non-negotiable is really the only way to be successful in it. We have made Red Rocks Church our home and the Park Meadows Campus our campus location. Now we can meet people in our community, surround ourselves with like-minded people and hopefully make some life long friends and mentors through this church. This was one of our newer goals and going to church has helped us get that much closer to accomplishing it.

Advice: Once you get married, you need to become independent of outside influence. This means you discuss things with your partner instead of your BFF or your mom. It means that you keep things private. You aren't making your life decisions a family discussion that is up to a vote at the end. You have to 'leave and cleave' as they say. This was somewhat of a struggle for me but with practice, it is getting easier. Also, don't bash your partner to others! As hard as it may be, especially when you are mad at them, I can't say it enough that it is so harmful to put them down to others. Also, don't put them down in front of others. You are damaging your relationship more than you know!! Therapists are exempt from this. Take your cares, worries and hurts to your partner and work them out. You would want the same from your partner in return so give them the same respect. I will say both of these things won't happen over night, but with practice and setting some boundaries with others, I am confident that you can do it!

Take-Away: Marriage should be fun! Don't over complicate it! Don't take yourself or your partner too seriously and try to learn something new about your partner every week! Ask them open-ended questions. You'd be surprised at what you can learn!

More to come!

xoxo,

Kaley